Intimacy is a life journey, not a place we arrive. Would you like more intimacy in your life now? Look below and ask if you can change your connections in any of these ways. We always have the power to be brave, make new choices and work on our relationships.
Intimacy is |
Intimacy is not |
| Accepting that the other person has a different understanding of what “intimacy” means | Believing that “intimacy” has only one meaning – ‘my meaning’ |
| Risking allowing the other to be different | Seeking safety in sameness |
| Remaining genuinely curious about how the other is from day to day | Holding onto the frozen beliefs and assumptions about the other |
| Listening with empathy | Being triggered and defensive |
| Checking you understand, being empathic | Waiting just to make your own response |
| Frequently beginning with I Language | Frequently beginning with “You” and “We language” |
| Clear expression of your feelings which may sometimes be intense | Defined by the volume of intensity |
| Accepting that life stresses must be shared and calmly addressed together | Being over emotional or withdrawing in the face of stress |
| Telling your wishes and hopes | Keeping some of your wishes and hopes secret |
| Communicating positive thoughts and feelings about the other | Locking onto their apparent negatives. |
| Talking about your losses and your fears of losing things | Avoiding expression of your felt losses and feared losses |
| Communicating about, and sharing physical and sexual feelings, differences and developments | Avoiding sharing your day to day physical and sexual feelings |
| Saying specifically the kind of things you would like without appeasement, anger or demands | Waiting for the other to guess what you want, or demanding without regard for your partner |
| Showing vulnerabilities | Always defaulting to your strong side |
| Showing your capabilities and strengths | Mostly defaulting to your vulnerable and/or incapable side |
| Taking the initiative in talking about yourself | Interrogating and pursuing the other person or waiting resentfully for the them to take the initiative in connecting |
| Sharing your experiences of how different communication styles affect you (eg. extrovert and introvert) | Believing your own type of communication style is the only way |
| Being inquisitive and truthful about how your past affects present relationships | Denying your past |
With thanks to H. Lerner and “The Dance of Intimacy”
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