Good sex requires a certain selfishness in showing and asking for what we want. To have uninhibited sexual pleasure, we must focus upon our own urges and sensations. This does not mean that we have no regard for the other. It means we are taking the risk of trusting them when we are in a state of arousal. “Selfishly” focusing like this on our own rising sensations, is often a gift to our partners, making sex more exciting for them too.
There are all sorts of reasons why people do not feel liberated to express themselves freely and “selfishly” in sex.
- Performance: Am I doing it right? Am I pleasuring my partner? Erectile function? Lubrication? ..
- Trusting the other: Can I ask for it this way? At this time? Will I be rejected? Ridiculed? ..
- Trusting oneself: Am I normal? Is my body right? Are my preferences silly? Will I hurt or dominate too much if I let go? ..
In sex it is not demanding or needy to be “selfish” and say what you would like: “I like it when you wear.. It works best for me when we use lubricant, a condom, in this position, not that, at this time in the day, spend time together more, you touch/lick/kiss me, here, like this, in a different room, on the floor, table, you surprise me, restrain me” etc …
It is important of course that you are not selfish in the usual sense of the word; that you do not demand or enforce your preferences; feeling safe is an absolute priority for pleasurable sex. But good sex depends on each person attending to their own sensations and enjoyment. It is an alliance for pleasure.
Approach your partner and discuss being a bit more “selfish” and sharing more of your fantasies and desires. This is a wonderful opportunity to take each other seriously over something that is highly personal and intimate; a possibility for deeper connection and acceptance.
Sex, having it and talking about your “selfish” desires, is one route to increasing the trust and love in your relationship.
With thanks to Arousal by M Bader,
Mating in Captivity by E Perel,
Sex in Loving Relationships by S Litvinoff.
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